Secret Struggles

These last weeks/months have been hard. I have physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally been pushed to my limits. I have been short with the people I love, edgy, anxious, serious, angry, annoyed and simply depressed. I have had the hardest time waking up and there has been very few days that I actually got ready. My house has been a mess and I have had no desire in the world to clean it. I couldn't, for the LIFE of me, figure out why. I have a beautiful home, loving husband, amazing son, beautiful family, incredible friends, a gospel of Christs love and freedom. What do I have to be depressed about?! Well this morning after I lied Jay down for his morning nap I decided to grab a book and take a nice hot bath. When I went to the book shelf it was like there was a magnet in my hand and it led me straight to a book called "Remembering Wholeness". I started reading this book a few years ago but for some reason never made it past chapter 5. When I grabbed that book I never expected it for it to turn my life around in a matter of hours but, it has. I feel like I just crawled out of a deep, dark, nasty, musty cellar where I was fed stale bread and water and into the most beautiful grove with sunlight, sweet grass, wild flowers, a beautiful home and delicious food. I am now, literally, seeing my paradise lay at my feet just waiting for me.

You want to know what the problem was the whole time? ME! I was allowing my life to be controlled by other people, circumstances and negative thoughts and here is the kicker, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS DOING IT!! I just knew that I was feeling miserable. This book has given me the gift of control and power over my life. I am finding so many answers to so many unanswered prayers. I feel so new and ready again. I feel hope and excitement and my future actually feels and is within reach. The Lord is filling my soul and heart with hope, peace and comfort again and I am basking in it! It feels so good to finally feel like ME again. I feels beautiful not to have to put on a face or pretend I am okay because I really am okay now, in fact I am better than okay! I am fantastic!!! I also love that I now have some long sought after answers on how to help my little family become closer together and closer to God. It is a beautiful thing to feel whole again and I am not gonna trade this feeling for the world.

I Still Remember...

So for the last many months I have been talking to and helping a dear friend who has decided to place her baby for adoption. I feel it an honor that she would turn to me for help and guidance but at the same time my heart aches for what she is about to do... It has been 3 1/2 years since I placed my sweet Sarah for adoption and as the time draws closer for my friend to have her baby the emotions of that day flood my memory and heart. I still remember the first moment I looked at her beautiful face and saw that head of black hair, I remember when they placed her in my arms for the first time and I could feel her precious little body breath and move... I remember every little face she made and how it felt to have her cuddle into my chest for the first time. It was such a beautiful and heart breaking day. I can remember holding her and thinking to myself "how am I ever going to be able to give her over? I love her so much!" then I remembered that is the exact reason I WILL be able to hand her over. I loved my daughter so much I was willing and wanting to do what ever it took to give her the life I knew I couldn't give her at that time and place in my life. I remember feeling like there was no amount of pain that would be too much if I could only see her truly happy. With a mother and a father who would love, protect, teach, guide and listen to her... My precious Sarah has all of that an so much more. Seeing her happy is what healed my pain and heart ache. I was able to move on with my life because I knew what I had done was right. The below picture is of when I got to hold Sarah for the first time.

To my dear friend. I shed many tears for you, both sad and happy ones. Remember that the Lord can and will heal all pain if we simply ask. Remember that when he knelt in Gethsemane he experienced your deepest regrets and pains. You are not alone and you are not forgotten. You have a whole team of people cheering for you and loving you. Never forget that you are precious to the Lord and to the people around you, you deserve happiness... I can tell you from my own experience that when the day comes to have a baby that you get to take home you will love them with a passion and sincerity that you never knew you possessed because you truly know what a GIFT it is to be a mom. You will realize how beautiful that title really is and the responsibility that lays behind it. It is an honor to be a Birth Mom and I love being one...

I am going to try and be better...

I can't believe the last time I wrote a blog entry was a year ago. I can be such a slacker when it comes to this kind of thing and I apologize. Boy do I have a lot to catch you up on. Lets start from where I left off.

As you can see Mark and I wasted no time in getting our family started. Though Joseph (J) was not planned he has been an incredible blessing, and can I just say I LOVE BEING A MOTHER AND WIFE!!! Our wedding and receptions were nothing short of perfect. Though, the in between stuff got a little crazy haha. For instance, my friend who was doing my cake called the day of my wedding and told me she could no longer do it.. Thank goodness for a super woman sister who popped out a wedding cake in 2 HOURS!! It was beautiful!

We were married in the Idaho Falls Temple for time and all eternity..

It was truly one of the happiest days of my life. Another thing that made my wedding nothing short of sublime was that Kim, Nick, Lucy and sweet Sarah got to come to my wedding. Kim was even one of my bridesmaids. After the wedding it wasn't long before we figured our I was pregnant (Hello honeymoon baby!! ha!). My pregnancy with sweet J was not easy. I always had something going wrong but I just kept my head up and kept positive with the thought of getting to meet my son. J was born on April 19th, 2013

He is named after Marks brother who sadly passed away at the beginning of this year. I am currently working on writing my adoption story and promoting Foot Zoning. I am discovering hidden talents lately and I feel so blessed for the life I am making with my hubby and child. Every day I learn more about how life is about attitude, effort, love and faith. I love that I am finally living my lifes dream of being a mother and wife, everything from here on out is just a bonus ;)

BIG CHANGES

Holy crow, so much has happened since the last time I wrote!! I guess I will start with the change of plans. I did not move back to Idaho. There are many reasons why but the biggest one is this; I found my eternal companion... That's right I am getting married. It has been a wild and crazy couple of months full of emotional twists and turns, filled with un-thought of scenry, all of it coming to this point.. But it happened:)

This whole experience has really taught me the true powers of the Lord. He truly sees me... After having Sarah I have had a constant yearning in my heart to find my eternal companion and to finally have that last piece of my heart replaced. When I placed Sarah I made a promise to my heart that I would never fall in love again, unless it was with my eternal companion, cause I knew I could never live through another heart break such as that.. Now I know I will never have to. Mark is by far one of the greatest people to ever enter my life.. I had hit a point inside myself where I thought I was going to have to settle with A: a worthy preisthood holder who would take me to the temple but didn't necessarily hold the qualities of The man I wanted or B: Have a man with all the qualities I wanted but not capable of taking me to the temple. My heart was so torn and I was ready to give up. I didn't want to have to wrestle with myself anymore, I didn't want to play anymore "games" with men, I just wanted to be free of it all. I was going to move to Idaho then to Germany in hopes that all the moving and adventure would give me a distraction from the battle within.

Then, in the midst of this internal battle this sweet bass guitar player from Diana's band asked me on a date. I was getting ready to move so I figured "heck, whats one more date??" Little did I know was that date would be the tip of my ice burg. He was upfront, honest, fun, thoughtful, he listened and most of all he cared.. I went home that night in a mental uproar. So many questions, fears and emotions were playing through my head. So in compiling all of my thoughts and emotions on moving verse staying, pursuing and moving on I decided to stay and relieve myself of the heartaches of moving back to Idaho, and enter myself in this new adventure. This new adventure that has turned from "The Crazy Single Life of Rosa" to "The Crazy Adventures of Mark and Rosa".

It has been so fun to begin the process of planning our wedding and future. There is so much to be done but none the less so exhilarating!! We will be sealed in the Idaho Falls Temple on July 20, 2012.

I have often sat and thought of my constant and never ending prayers to the Lord to "please, place The man I am looking for in my life!" I feel very strongly that He heard every single prayer, counted every single tear shed and that he stood by me through every moment. I have NEVER been left alone, though at times I felt I had. In those times, I now know, it was me lacking in Faith and Trust in my savior and I see now why he "made me wait". I wish I would have shown more patience with Him, but I now have the beautiful opportunity to build a closer and more understood relationship with my Savior. I get to now use the atonement again. I get to build and even greater and more beautiful foundation.. :)

Back to the Past

Okay, so I have a bit of a history with moving so in order for you to understand what I am going to be talking about I am going to give you a little background history.

I was born in Pocatello Id. At the age of 1 we moved to Dayton Id and then when I was 6 1/2 we moved to Corvallis Or. There I lived until I was 13 when we then moved to Georgetown Id (aka Bear Lake). There I lived until I was nearly 18, at which point I got pregnant and moved to Pullman Wa. to live with my sister Collette while I waited to have my little girl. After she was born I placed her for adoption and 4 days later moved to Mesa Az. where my parents were currently living at the time. My parents have moved back to Idaho since and I have been living down here in Mesa on my own. I have been here for almost 2 years. As of a month ago I have decided that I am going to move back in with my parents while I finish saving to move to Germany in July or Aug.

I have had bittersweet feelings about moving back to Idaho... While I am thrilled to be able to be closer to family I can't help but feel like I am stepping into my past. A past that, to be honest, I have tried to forget most of. Im not saying I didn't have good times living in Bear Lake but I am discovering that most of the memories I would like to just leave forgotten.

Granted Im not moving back to Bear Lake but I will be visiting there often because I have family that lives there.
Now these next few paragraphs are purely MY opinion and I mean no offense to anyone.

To begin with I feel that Bear Lake is whole of death. In the short 4 years that I lived there I had more loved ones die then ever before in my life. I used to handle death pretty well but after living there I have never been able to handle it quite the same. I also feel that it is a place of misery and drama. I have sat and watched as others purposely tried to destroy another persons life. Weather they did it knowingly I don't know but I do know how wrong it felt to know that people considered this "normal". (also it wasn't just teenagers. It was parents and adults too.)

While living there I have never felt so much hate in my life. I am a gentle person, but even I came to a point when I thought I genuinely hated certain people and wished horrible things upon them, and I know there were and probably still are people that hated me. Hate is not a natural or healthy feeling, Its destructive and controlling. I believe that its because of this hate that there is such a high suicide rate there. I know that even I hit a point between finding out I was pregnant and right before I moved to Washington that I truly wished I was dead and had it not been for my baby inside of me I may have possibly made that happen.

I have changed A LOT since I moved away 3 years ago. I have found a peace within myself and an understanding and a patience with myself that, though I am not perfect, I still love me. I have also learned never to judge another, for I have no idea what they are going through. This does not mean, however, that I just let anyone in my life. I still look and observe, and then decide weather or not a certain person is healthy for me to have in my life. I am not, and never will be the person I was when I lived in Bear Lake. I find I have a certain joy granted me when I try and help others succeed rather then tell them its not possible.

So as I move back I will be very cautious and aware to whom I let back in my life, but as for my family I can't wait to give you all the biggest hugs ever. You guys are the best :)

Just Letting it Melt

So today proved to be a pretty stressful day. We all have those days where we feel like our world is on top of us and it tends to make you feel a little anxious, angry and dramatic. Well that has been me all day. I finally called me papa on my way home from work and was like "Im feeling a little scared, stressed and dramatic can you talk?" and being the amazing father that he is, he started talking me through it.
Once I got off the phone I was feeling a little better but not much. I had told some friends I would go country dancing with them tonight and I was debating not going cause I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer, but I know how relaxing and relieving dancing is for me so I decided to go.
I am now SO grateful I did. I could feel during that first dance all my worries start to just melt into the floor.. You know it amazes me how often we do the things we love when life is fine and dandy but the second something gets tough we stop. Why do we do that??? Isn't that when we should be doing the things we love the most?? So as to remind ourselves that we are still important and loved and that our needs still matter?? My new goal for myself is to begin to support myself when I come in to a hard day or a new trial. To just take a moment and look myself in the mirror and remind myself that I am okay and that I love myself. Life is too beautiful to have ruined by small trivial things that just seem to look big and dangerous.
So my goal to everyone reading this is to go and do something that you love just for the sake of you know you love doing it. Take some time for YOU.

Cleansing

So as part of getting ready to move comes the packing. I have been doing a little here and there but today Diana and I really hit to it and made some progress. As we are cleaning and getting rid of things we are finding that we are cleaning up more than just our physical lives. With each thing we toss out we find we are really cleansing our lives. Its like the things that smother us in our every day lives are finally being release, so as not to burden us any more. Things such as unhealthy relationships, getting rid of doubt, letting go of false securities, learning to trust our selves rather than depending on someone else to make our final desicions. These are things I know I have personally been working on and it seems the more I pack and get rid of things the more it resembles the changes in my life. It just makes me feel so clean and so fresh. I am loving this :)

This is the beginning of packing everything in the closet

The closet afterwards

De-junking!!!