Back to the Past

Okay, so I have a bit of a history with moving so in order for you to understand what I am going to be talking about I am going to give you a little background history.

I was born in Pocatello Id. At the age of 1 we moved to Dayton Id and then when I was 6 1/2 we moved to Corvallis Or. There I lived until I was 13 when we then moved to Georgetown Id (aka Bear Lake). There I lived until I was nearly 18, at which point I got pregnant and moved to Pullman Wa. to live with my sister Collette while I waited to have my little girl. After she was born I placed her for adoption and 4 days later moved to Mesa Az. where my parents were currently living at the time. My parents have moved back to Idaho since and I have been living down here in Mesa on my own. I have been here for almost 2 years. As of a month ago I have decided that I am going to move back in with my parents while I finish saving to move to Germany in July or Aug.

I have had bittersweet feelings about moving back to Idaho... While I am thrilled to be able to be closer to family I can't help but feel like I am stepping into my past. A past that, to be honest, I have tried to forget most of. Im not saying I didn't have good times living in Bear Lake but I am discovering that most of the memories I would like to just leave forgotten.

Granted Im not moving back to Bear Lake but I will be visiting there often because I have family that lives there.
Now these next few paragraphs are purely MY opinion and I mean no offense to anyone.

To begin with I feel that Bear Lake is whole of death. In the short 4 years that I lived there I had more loved ones die then ever before in my life. I used to handle death pretty well but after living there I have never been able to handle it quite the same. I also feel that it is a place of misery and drama. I have sat and watched as others purposely tried to destroy another persons life. Weather they did it knowingly I don't know but I do know how wrong it felt to know that people considered this "normal". (also it wasn't just teenagers. It was parents and adults too.)

While living there I have never felt so much hate in my life. I am a gentle person, but even I came to a point when I thought I genuinely hated certain people and wished horrible things upon them, and I know there were and probably still are people that hated me. Hate is not a natural or healthy feeling, Its destructive and controlling. I believe that its because of this hate that there is such a high suicide rate there. I know that even I hit a point between finding out I was pregnant and right before I moved to Washington that I truly wished I was dead and had it not been for my baby inside of me I may have possibly made that happen.

I have changed A LOT since I moved away 3 years ago. I have found a peace within myself and an understanding and a patience with myself that, though I am not perfect, I still love me. I have also learned never to judge another, for I have no idea what they are going through. This does not mean, however, that I just let anyone in my life. I still look and observe, and then decide weather or not a certain person is healthy for me to have in my life. I am not, and never will be the person I was when I lived in Bear Lake. I find I have a certain joy granted me when I try and help others succeed rather then tell them its not possible.

So as I move back I will be very cautious and aware to whom I let back in my life, but as for my family I can't wait to give you all the biggest hugs ever. You guys are the best :)

Just Letting it Melt

So today proved to be a pretty stressful day. We all have those days where we feel like our world is on top of us and it tends to make you feel a little anxious, angry and dramatic. Well that has been me all day. I finally called me papa on my way home from work and was like "Im feeling a little scared, stressed and dramatic can you talk?" and being the amazing father that he is, he started talking me through it.
Once I got off the phone I was feeling a little better but not much. I had told some friends I would go country dancing with them tonight and I was debating not going cause I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer, but I know how relaxing and relieving dancing is for me so I decided to go.
I am now SO grateful I did. I could feel during that first dance all my worries start to just melt into the floor.. You know it amazes me how often we do the things we love when life is fine and dandy but the second something gets tough we stop. Why do we do that??? Isn't that when we should be doing the things we love the most?? So as to remind ourselves that we are still important and loved and that our needs still matter?? My new goal for myself is to begin to support myself when I come in to a hard day or a new trial. To just take a moment and look myself in the mirror and remind myself that I am okay and that I love myself. Life is too beautiful to have ruined by small trivial things that just seem to look big and dangerous.
So my goal to everyone reading this is to go and do something that you love just for the sake of you know you love doing it. Take some time for YOU.

Cleansing

So as part of getting ready to move comes the packing. I have been doing a little here and there but today Diana and I really hit to it and made some progress. As we are cleaning and getting rid of things we are finding that we are cleaning up more than just our physical lives. With each thing we toss out we find we are really cleansing our lives. Its like the things that smother us in our every day lives are finally being release, so as not to burden us any more. Things such as unhealthy relationships, getting rid of doubt, letting go of false securities, learning to trust our selves rather than depending on someone else to make our final desicions. These are things I know I have personally been working on and it seems the more I pack and get rid of things the more it resembles the changes in my life. It just makes me feel so clean and so fresh. I am loving this :)

This is the beginning of packing everything in the closet

The closet afterwards

De-junking!!!

Preperation

So here I am. I am 20 years old living in Mesa Az. and getting ready to move back to my home front in Idaho. On the 29th of this month (Feb.) not only am I moving but so is my best friend Diana. Diana is taking her dreams and flying with them to Spain.


There are many reasons she is my best friend but one of the big ones is cause she has taught me not to be like 98% of the world and fear my dreams. She has taught me to expect success instead of failure and how to work towards my dreams. I have finally hit a point inside of myself where I am breaking out of the "normailty box" that our society places us in and streching my possibilities.

Once I move to Idaho I will be saving, saving, saving for when I move to Germany this July or Aug. My amazing friend Bobbie and her hubby Gabe are both in the Army and are being sationed over there. Sadly, though, as soon as they get there Gabe will be sent to Afghanistan. So Bobbie presented me with the stellar offer of moving over there and living with her. I have been nothing but excited ever since she asked me.

I am excited I get to be close to family before I leave though. I have enjoyed living in Mesa SO much but one of my biggest trials has been living so far away from any family. Being the youngest of 11 children I have always had family around so to suddenly be around none of them has been a bit of a trial. It is, however, a good trial because I have been able to better establish who I AM with out the constant imput of family. I mean don't get me wrong I know my family means the best for me but if you always live by someone else's expectations and beliefs you will never learn to live for yourself. Being here by myself I have started developing my own foundation based on my own opinions and beliefs and I love who I am discovering and becoming. Granted I still do stupid things and have moments where I sit there and go "Rosa May what the h*** were you thinking??" but I stand up and do what I can to do better. I know I will always make mistakes and that I will occasionaly have to eat some humble pie but you know what? I am okay with that. :) I am perfectly okay not being anywhere near perfect :D

So here it begins!! Welcome to MY journey.