Thursday, February 6, 2014

Secret Struggles

These last weeks/months have been hard. I have physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally been pushed to my limits. I have been short with the people I love, edgy, anxious, serious, angry, annoyed and simply depressed. I have had the hardest time waking up and there has been very few days that I actually got ready. My house has been a mess and I have had no desire in the world to clean it. I couldn't, for the LIFE of me, figure out why. I have a beautiful home, loving husband, amazing son, beautiful family, incredible friends, a gospel of Christs love and freedom. What do I have to be depressed about?! Well this morning after I lied Jay down for his morning nap I decided to grab a book and take a nice hot bath. When I went to the book shelf it was like there was a magnet in my hand and it led me straight to a book called "Remembering Wholeness". I started reading this book a few years ago but for some reason never made it past chapter 5. When I grabbed that book I never expected it for it to turn my life around in a matter of hours but, it has. I feel like I just crawled out of a deep, dark, nasty, musty cellar where I was fed stale bread and water and into the most beautiful grove with sunlight, sweet grass, wild flowers, a beautiful home and delicious food. I am now, literally, seeing my paradise lay at my feet just waiting for me.
You want to know what the problem was the whole time? ME! I was allowing my life to be controlled by other people, circumstances and negative thoughts and here is the kicker, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS DOING IT!! I just knew that I was feeling miserable. This book has given me the gift of control and power over my life. I am finding so many answers to so many unanswered prayers. I feel so new and ready again. I feel hope and excitement and my future actually feels and is within reach. The Lord is filling my soul and heart with hope, peace and comfort again and I am basking in it! It feels so good to finally feel like ME again. I feels beautiful not to have to put on a face or pretend I am okay because I really am okay now, in fact I am better than okay! I am fantastic!!! I also love that I now have some long sought after answers on how to help my little family become closer together and closer to God. It is a beautiful thing to feel whole again and I am not gonna trade this feeling for the world.

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