Thursday, February 16, 2012
Back to the Past
Okay, so I have a bit of a history with moving so in order for you to understand what I am going to be talking about I am going to give you a little background history.
I was born in Pocatello Id. At the age of 1 we moved to Dayton Id and then when I was 6 1/2 we moved to Corvallis Or. There I lived until I was 13 when we then moved to Georgetown Id (aka Bear Lake). There I lived until I was nearly 18, at which point I got pregnant and moved to Pullman Wa. to live with my sister Collette while I waited to have my little girl. After she was born I placed her for adoption and 4 days later moved to Mesa Az. where my parents were currently living at the time. My parents have moved back to Idaho since and I have been living down here in Mesa on my own. I have been here for almost 2 years. As of a month ago I have decided that I am going to move back in with my parents while I finish saving to move to Germany in July or Aug.
I have had bittersweet feelings about moving back to Idaho... While I am thrilled to be able to be closer to family I can't help but feel like I am stepping into my past. A past that, to be honest, I have tried to forget most of. Im not saying I didn't have good times living in Bear Lake but I am discovering that most of the memories I would like to just leave forgotten.
Granted Im not moving back to Bear Lake but I will be visiting there often because I have family that lives there.
Now these next few paragraphs are purely MY opinion and I mean no offense to anyone.
To begin with I feel that Bear Lake is whole of death. In the short 4 years that I lived there I had more loved ones die then ever before in my life. I used to handle death pretty well but after living there I have never been able to handle it quite the same. I also feel that it is a place of misery and drama. I have sat and watched as others purposely tried to destroy another persons life. Weather they did it knowingly I don't know but I do know how wrong it felt to know that people considered this "normal". (also it wasn't just teenagers. It was parents and adults too.)
While living there I have never felt so much hate in my life. I am a gentle person, but even I came to a point when I thought I genuinely hated certain people and wished horrible things upon them, and I know there were and probably still are people that hated me. Hate is not a natural or healthy feeling, Its destructive and controlling. I believe that its because of this hate that there is such a high suicide rate there. I know that even I hit a point between finding out I was pregnant and right before I moved to Washington that I truly wished I was dead and had it not been for my baby inside of me I may have possibly made that happen.
I have changed A LOT since I moved away 3 years ago. I have found a peace within myself and an understanding and a patience with myself that, though I am not perfect, I still love me. I have also learned never to judge another, for I have no idea what they are going through. This does not mean, however, that I just let anyone in my life. I still look and observe, and then decide weather or not a certain person is healthy for me to have in my life. I am not, and never will be the person I was when I lived in Bear Lake. I find I have a certain joy granted me when I try and help others succeed rather then tell them its not possible.
So as I move back I will be very cautious and aware to whom I let back in my life, but as for my family I can't wait to give you all the biggest hugs ever. You guys are the best :)
Posted by RosiesKisses at 12:32 PM