Thursday, February 16, 2012

Back to the Past

Okay, so I have a bit of a history with moving so in order for you to understand what I am going to be talking about I am going to give you a little background history.

I was born in Pocatello Id. At the age of 1 we moved to Dayton Id and then when I was 6 1/2 we moved to Corvallis Or. There I lived until I was 13 when we then moved to Georgetown Id (aka Bear Lake). There I lived until I was nearly 18, at which point I got pregnant and moved to Pullman Wa. to live with my sister Collette while I waited to have my little girl. After she was born I placed her for adoption and 4 days later moved to Mesa Az. where my parents were currently living at the time. My parents have moved back to Idaho since and I have been living down here in Mesa on my own. I have been here for almost 2 years. As of a month ago I have decided that I am going to move back in with my parents while I finish saving to move to Germany in July or Aug.

I have had bittersweet feelings about moving back to Idaho... While I am thrilled to be able to be closer to family I can't help but feel like I am stepping into my past. A past that, to be honest, I have tried to forget most of. Im not saying I didn't have good times living in Bear Lake but I am discovering that most of the memories I would like to just leave forgotten.

Granted Im not moving back to Bear Lake but I will be visiting there often because I have family that lives there.
Now these next few paragraphs are purely MY opinion and I mean no offense to anyone.

To begin with I feel that Bear Lake is whole of death. In the short 4 years that I lived there I had more loved ones die then ever before in my life. I used to handle death pretty well but after living there I have never been able to handle it quite the same. I also feel that it is a place of misery and drama. I have sat and watched as others purposely tried to destroy another persons life. Weather they did it knowingly I don't know but I do know how wrong it felt to know that people considered this "normal". (also it wasn't just teenagers. It was parents and adults too.)

While living there I have never felt so much hate in my life. I am a gentle person, but even I came to a point when I thought I genuinely hated certain people and wished horrible things upon them, and I know there were and probably still are people that hated me. Hate is not a natural or healthy feeling, Its destructive and controlling. I believe that its because of this hate that there is such a high suicide rate there. I know that even I hit a point between finding out I was pregnant and right before I moved to Washington that I truly wished I was dead and had it not been for my baby inside of me I may have possibly made that happen.

I have changed A LOT since I moved away 3 years ago. I have found a peace within myself and an understanding and a patience with myself that, though I am not perfect, I still love me. I have also learned never to judge another, for I have no idea what they are going through. This does not mean, however, that I just let anyone in my life. I still look and observe, and then decide weather or not a certain person is healthy for me to have in my life. I am not, and never will be the person I was when I lived in Bear Lake. I find I have a certain joy granted me when I try and help others succeed rather then tell them its not possible.

So as I move back I will be very cautious and aware to whom I let back in my life, but as for my family I can't wait to give you all the biggest hugs ever. You guys are the best :)

1 comment:

  1. You're amazing for sharing this story with us. It can be hard to move back to a place where you've lived before, especially if it was a totally different life then than it is now. I'm sorry the place was filled with so much hate and unhappiness back then. It's obvious to see that you've grown so much since then. You'll be like a ray of light in a place that used to be dark. Sometimes the best way to let go of the past is to go back to it and show it (and everyone there) how much happier you are now. You'll be happy to be around family. The past few years have been time for YOU and for growing and discovering who you are and want to be. Now that you're confident in that, you can go share it. You're amazing. <3